Excerpt from The Rise of Supervillainy (Supervillainy Saga #10)

 My phone began playing the “The Super-Duper Splotch Man” by the Ramones. “Hold on, I must take this. It’s a Splotchmergency.”

“Splotchmergency?” Mandy asked. 

“Like thirty percent of my job as Acting Supreme Archmage is dealing with his crap,” I muttered. “Like, ‘oh no, my secret identity is exposed, I need you to erase the memory of everyone in the world.’”

“That seems like a gross violation of personal autonomy,” Mandy said.
“Yeah, I just ordered a strike for the video on CrimeTube and spread an online rumor that the real Splotch was the Department of Supernatural Security’s head,” I said. 

“You know he was killed by the Purple Hippo last week,” Mandy said, dryly.

“And nothing of value was lost,” I replied. “Then there was the time that he thought he was cursed by the Captivating Catgirl.”

“He was,” Mandy said. 

“Well, one REMOVE CURSE spell and he’s fine,” I said, sighing and checking my phone. “Oh great, he says his wife was transported to another world when time passed differently. She’s spent decades there and is now married to a guy named Jeff.”

“I hate when that happens,” Mandy said. “What are you going to do about it.”

 “Hold on,” I said, opening my InstaAugury app. “According to this, it’s not actually his wife but a water clone made by the Water Elemental. She’s on an exciting multiversal journey with the O-Men. I’ll tell Stanley what’s up after I get in touch with the Time Police. It’s like the universe has a personal problem with the guy’s marriage.”

“You seem to be taking to this whole Supreme Archmage thing,” Mandy said. “Are you sure you just want to be acting?”

“It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” by REM started to play and I sighed. “Hold on, now the Brotherhood of Infamy wants to summon the Great Beasts.”

“Ooo,” Becky said, clapping her hands. “Can we help?”

“No,” I replied. “I do not have time for an epic multi-part crossover right now. That’s just going to interrupt my current plot with an issue or two of nonsense. Rather than sending a bunch of occult investigators to stop this or a whole superhero team, I’m just going to have Gizmo hack their scanned copy of the Book of Midnight and fiddle with their pronunciation guide.” 

“That will result in their horrific deaths,” Becky said. “I approve, Master.”

“I’m also getting their permit to perform demonic rituals with the Falconcrest City government revoked,” I said, typing away. “Deborah owes me a favor for sending those demonic squirrels back to Limbo.”

“You can get a license to perform demonic rituals in Falconcrest City?” Dana asked, confused. Sometimes I wondered about her because she seemed to come from a much more banal universe. 

“Religious freedom,” I said. “The Brotherhood of Infamy isn’t what it used to be. I’m surprised they’re trying this. Last I checked, they were just trying to get a statue of Zul-Barbas put up next to the Ten Commandments at City Hall.”

“You’re really dropping the ball with this ‘no politics’ thing,” Mandy observed. 

“I’m trying! Reality isn’t letting me!” I said, sighing and agreeing to spot the Trench Coat Magician two hundred Euros for bus fare. Everything else, I decided to forward to Brother Houngan in New Orleans. He was like a good version of the Bokor.