An Excerpt from THE HORROR OF SUPERVILLAINY

I thought I'd share some of what I've been working on:

"Hold on, I need to upload this to CrimeTube," I said, taking a brief moment to turn my cellphone around. "Wassup, Crimetubers! It's the Supervillain without Mercy, Grandmaster M, Merciless with the less-ness! I just hooked up with my main gal here, Weredeer, and we just trounced a zombie version of Ultragod from another dimension!"

Jane blinked. "Please don't say we hooked up. Ever. Also, I'm pretty sure that's no way anyone over thirty should talk. Anyone under it should be smacked for it."

I ignored her. "Remember folks, I'm doing the hero thang and saving the day! Team-up central! More vibes coming as we work on untangling where this unhappy deadite came from! I have another mission I'm working on too but it's hush-hush for now! Ya dig!"

"Literally, no one in the world talks like that except maybe guys on MTV reruns," Jane replied. "I also may classify it as racist against white people."

I rolled my eyes and turned off my cellphone. "Listen, CrimeTube is the only way I can promote myself as a superhero. People think of me as a supervillain and the only way I can reach out to them is social media."

Jane stared at me. "You opened up by describing yourself as a supervillain."

I blinked. "Goddammit."

"I'm also processing the fact you have a Youtube, sorry, CrimeTube, channel," Jane said. "Can't you do something normal with that channel like review video games or insult women and minorities for ruining science fiction?"

"In addition to promoting the Merciless brand, I also review old episodes of Murder She Wrote," I said. "Do you know that if we catalog the number of episodes set in Cabot Cove and assume they took place over the same period of time as the series that Jessica Fletcher's hometown has a higher murder rate than Baghdad?"

Jane stared at me. "The horrifying thing is that I actually find that interesting. What's your channel called?"

"Merciless' Big-Ass CrimeTube Channel," I said.

"Of course it is." Jane sighed. "Now, Gary, I need to talk to you. Introduce you to the crew. You think you can do that?"

I nodded. "Sure, sure. There are some universal laws and one of them is that I owe you for saving my ass."

"Good," Jane said.

"The Gungan and Wookies both speak of the Life Debt with great reverence," I said. "I shall now have to be your co-pilot and best friend until you're horribly murdered by your son because Harrison Ford hates Han Solo."

"Kylo Ren," Jane muttered, shaking her head. "So hot yet so lame."

"I do need a second to repair all my broken bones, though," I said, not actually joking. "I've got a punctured lung, three cracked ribs, and my ankle is shattered."

Jane stared. "How the hell are you not screaming? How the buck did you do a podcast?"

I grimaced and lifted up one of my cloak's sleeves. "I've sussed out about 80% of what the Reaper's Cloak can do, which is more than Lancel Warren did. One of these abilities is suppressing the mind-numbing horrific pain that combat can do. It still tells me how much damage I've taken but doesn't interfere with my ability to act."

Jane blinked rapidly. "That's horrible. Do you regenerate it like Wolverine or do we need to take you to a hospital?"

"Wolverines regenerate in your world?" I asked, confused.

Jane sighed. "I am never going to get used to the fact that everything is the same in your world except comics."

I reached into my cloak's extra-dimensional pockets and pulled out a bunch of spiral notebooks as well as a couple of yellow pads. "As for regenerating? No. I'm just going to cast Cure Serious Wounds a couple of times using the MMOS."

"I'm going to regret asking this but the what?" Jane asked, walking closer. "Also, you look like you're studying for finals and have lost your laptop."

"The Merciless Magical Operating System," I said, flipping through the documents. "Have you ever noticed that when you need to cast a spell, you have to invoke a bunch of ancient gods and/or have a bloodline that dates back thousands of years?"

"Being as I'm a wizard, yes," Jane said. "Well, shaman technically."

"Well, that system is busted," I replied. "Magic could be used for so much more than just tossing fireballs in the name of Yog-Sothoth or Cthulhu. So, I've decided to create an open source system."

Jane stared at me like I'd grown three heads and started breathing fire. "Open source magic."

David reappeared by flying up on a nearby parking meter. "That sounds simultaneously awesome and stupid at the same time."

"Oh, hey," I gestured. "Jane, this is David Niall Wilson. David, this is Jane Doe."

"Like the guy who publishes the Supervillainy Saga books in my world?" Jane asked. "He's not a talking raven in our world."

I shrugged. "I dunno. I'm still surprised the husband of Supreme Court Justice Michelle Obama was the President in your world."

"Yeah, I miss him," Jane sighed. "Anyway, Gary, there's no way to create an open source magic system. Magic is a raw primeval chaotic force that we can only channel because gods, i.e. the most powerful beings in the universe, serve as a medium between us. They purify and detox the raw chaotic stuff into something we mere mortals can harness in exchange for our prayers empowering them. Even then, it's limited because there's no so much that most gods can--"

I threw up the horns with my fingers and shouted, "CURE SERIOUS WOUNDS! CURE SERIOUS WOUNDS! CURE SERIOUS WOUNDS!"

A glow appeared around me as I felt my bones knit back together while the internal damage healed itself. It turned out my injuries were a lot more extensive than I thought and would need more spell work. If not for Jane and my magic, I'd have most assuredly died.

Jane stared at me. "I'm not sure what confuses me most: that you actually have created open-source magic or that you needed to look just reciting the spell's name three times while making the universal metal sign."

I shrugged and cast the spell again before answering. "Why make magic difficult?"

"Because it's a universal cosmic force and you don't want every idiot to be able to harness it?" David answered for Jane. "I mean, bad enough that someone like you has access to it."

"I resemble that remark," I said, doing the spell a third time and finishing up my healing. "In any case, there's some limits on the MMOS. I have to individually inscribe each spell into the laws of the Multiverse using the Primal Orbs before they'll work. I've only got about half of the latest edition of Dungeons and Dragons' corebook spells. They're limited to 9th level, though. No Epic stuff. I mean, I'm not stupid."

David covered his face with a wing then shook his head behind it.

Jane just opened her mouth and closed it for a few seconds. After going through a variety of reactions, she sighed. "I don't suppose you have a spellbook for this. I'm kind of terrible at magic."

I reached into my robes and pulled out a copy of The Book of Merciless' Magic 5th Edition. "Here ya go. It's also available on Drive Thru Tabletop and Amazing Books' Print on Demand service."

"My aunt always said RPGs would corrupt my soul. I guess she was right." Jane took the book and started flipping through it. "Why does every page have naked elves?"

"I don't understand your question," I said.